i always know when a fic writer has never experienced a hickey
How? It’s not like you’ve experienced one either.
“[Character A] licked and nibbled [Character B]’s collarbone, leaving dark purple spots along the way.”
either they’re tossing away the meaning of “nibbled” for the advancement of smut or they have a solid misunderstanding of hickeys. it takes like four or five straight seconds of hard suction to make a spot “dark purple”.
okay so two options here:
“[Character A] licked and nibbled [Character B]’s collarbone, leaving faint pink spots along the way.”
OR (and this one is better imo)
“[character A] sucked on the skin of [character B]’s collarbone harder than a vacuum on high power, leaving behind appropriately dark purple hickeys”
“[Character A] puckered their lips and absolutely Hoover™’d the life out of [Character B]’s entire neck. ‘You DirtDevil™’ [Character B] said with a breathy sigh.”
CHARACTER A sucked on CHARACTER B’s neck for a suspiciously long time and caused a sharp fucking pain leading CHARACTER B to shout FOR FUCK’S SAKE I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW
Just imagining Lup taking it upon herself to publish Taako and Kravitz’s wedding announcement in the fantasy newspapers and wording the whole thing as an obituary.
“Taako (from TV) the Wizard has succumbed to the sweet embrace of the Grim Reaper. He is preceded in death by his sister Lup Bluejeans and her husband Barold. There were no survivors. Services will be held on [X Date] at 4:00 PM, visitation to follow. BYOB.”
A flattering yet somber picture of the happy couple accompanies the article. Ren’s office is flooded with panicked inquiries. Nothing published is technically untrue. Lup has out-gothed herself. Barry rushes in for a high-five.
Quick backstory: I’m still world building for the campaign my players are currently running, so I let them offer up suggestions for some different gods. One of them (the Warlock) comes up with some ideas in the vein of Lovecraftian horrors. The following conversation ensued in our group chat.
Me: Really going for that Elder God aesthetic, aren’t you?
Warlock: I suppose, though I was going at it from a more comedic angle when I thought of it.
Me: I definitely see that, but still getting some of that GOO in there.
My girlfriend, the Rogue: WHOOPSIE DOO, HERE COMES THE GOO
Me: That’s an acronym, [Rogue]. G.O.O., not goo.
GF: WHOOPSIE DOO, HERE COMES THE G.O.O.
The chat falls silent for about ten minutes.
GF: G.OD O.F O.RGASMS
Me: Great Old One, [Rogue]. Elder God. Cthulhu and company.
GF: NO. GOD. OF. ORGASMS.
Warlock: I’m perfectly okay with God of Orgasms. I believe that’s what they called me back in my University days.
Me: Fine. There is now officially a God of Orgasms. Are you filthy degenerates happy?
I am not going to tag the name of the bird, because I’m pretty sure I would get tagged as NSFW if I did, but I assure you their beaks are getting longer and it’s probably because of the UK’s obsession with bird feeders.
GREAT TITS GAIN MASSIVE PECKERS, MORE AT 11!
Yep that’s it, I was sort of hesitant to use “great tits” in the headline but I mean my article was on the front page of Google Science News for a lot of today (at least for me? Could have been targeted results.) But either way the story did pretty well.
thisacelovesheadcanons 