Tag: personal

so I was gonna reblog that post about the dude not drinking water for the last 6 years and… I can’t remember the last time i had water?  

I drink Dr P all the time (have for years) and the occasional fruit juice.  Or tea sometimes.  But straight water?  Blugh.

My kidneys are fine apparently. I’ve never had a stone, and my pH is perfectly normal as well. And as its light yellow to clear, I’m well hydrated. 

i’m just going to start writing and go on for a while and just dump a lot of, idk emotions or words into this so if you want to skip, it’ll be under a cut.  Here goes.

Today (its still the 8th for me) was my mom’s birthday.  She would have been 61.  I miss her.  I miss her so much that i ache all the fucking time and I just wish she were still here and that I could wake up from this nightmare of her not being here anymore.

I also don’t miss her sometimes because we had a very rocky relationship re my gender and social issues and everything else but that doesn’t matter (well i mean, it does) because I still miss her and I love her so much and i just wish she was around.  Things are different now and i don’t like it and i don’t like that I’ll have to grieve every six months because she died five and a half years to the day after my dad, like wtf mom.

And Papa is aching and hurting and he;’s dying and I wish i could help him because he needed my mom so much and they were soul mates and he’s so broken and I don’t even know what I can do if i can do anything for him.

And I’m in an open marriage with the husbean mostly so that he can find someone that will give him the physicality that he needs because i can’t and there are several reasons and i really don’t want to get into it because its fucking… idk its weird as fucking hell what’s going on and I don’t have the words even if i verbal diarrhea it on the computer.

The point with that though is I’m in a fwb situation with two friends of mine who are married together and i talk to one friend almost constantly but it feels like i can’t talk to the other friend about inane shit or whatever w/o him turning it around into something frisky and its like… dude.  Sex isn’t all that important?  Like yeah we have fun together sometimes but its not all i want to talk about with you and I don’t even really want to have sex that much but you guys like it and its kinda fun making yall feel good, but I just… can we be normal or act like normal friends for half a second?  

I’m also fucking in love with both of them and only one of them knows and the other doesn’t and I really hope he doesn’t follow my tumblr because oh shit he’ll fucking know now.

By the time i finish this it’ll probably be the 9th for me but whatever i don’t give a shit right now.

Also i just… i have all these feelings and idk where to go or where to start with them and its so hard to untangle all of this and the therapy is helping but I think maybe i should just verbal diarrhea at the therapist to figure out what is going on in this black hole shit space of a brain.

And… fuck ok.  I’m supposed to say nice things about myself and stop being myself up because apparently words have meanings and telling your therapist that your trash is not ok.  And maybe my brain isn’t a shit space i just have a lot going on right now and mental illnesses are the things that are garbage, not me.  right?  That’s how this works?

this is a lot of words and a lot of things going on and its probably the most I’ve written in one sitting in a long time because its just a stream of consiousness from my brain and I wish i could sit and write like this when it comes to creative writing because i have so many ideas and so many things i want to do and paint word pictures for but words are hard and writing is hard and sometimes I have this image of someone walking from one side of the room to the other and their pace is slow and measured and you can hear their bare feet on the hardwood, but the words don’t come out like that when I’m writing, its all “Saunter” and “Pace” and just fucking fuck why can’t i write? 

I would give my fucking right arm to be able to finish my book and have it be everything i wanted it to be but I don’t think I’l;l ever finish it and it fucking hurts to think like that but once i have the story figured out all the way to the end the actual writing doesn’t want to come.

And now I’m just sitting here at almost midnight whining about everything when i could be writing or playing a game or doing something, and instead the words keep tumbling from my fingers to my keyboard to the screen of feelings and thoughts and bullshit and i just want to wake the fuck up??  when will this nightmare end?  can i have my mom back?  No.

Can i have my dad back?  Also no.

Can i be referred to as Sir in public?  Apparently fucking not today either.  I was wearing my new binder and it felt great but here i am, just another fucking Miss and it hurts and it makes me want to die but I can’t and i won’t because that’s stupid and that’s just what they want.

And i think I’m out of words because I’m starting to slow down so i guess this is the end of a rant or just whatever the fuck this is.

so I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately on testosterone and the changes it makes in people’s bodies and the more i read about it the more i want it.

I’m still unsure about top surgery (and I really don’t think I’ll ever want a phalloplasty) 

But… I wanna be on T.  I wanna go through these changes.

I need a better Binder before I do though

I can’t handle any of this right now.

its too much, there’s too much happening. 

I just want to feel safe.

I don’t want to see hate on my dash

there’s too much

too much

I wanna go home.

But home isn’t a place.  Home is a feeling of security and innocence and an age when everything was gonna be ok and my parents weren’t fucking dead.

I am so angry and depressed right now and I just… fucking fuck everything.

Fuck tumblr, fuck people who hate ace folks, fuck people who make fun of and belittle labels instead of opening lines of dialogue.

fuck pride.

fuck the “community”

I’m tired of all of it.

I’m tired of moving from one shitty month to the next.

I’m tired of everything.

I’ve got a lot of shitty feelings right now. Its like… I feel like i have to go to the blog of everyone i follow to see if there’s anything negative about asexuality.

I might just.

But I’m tired.  I’m tired and upset and my brain isn’t making the happy chemicals and I’m still sad about mom and I just…

fuck guys.  

this sucks.