Steve Rogers, who has recently woken up in the twenty-first century, googles “advice for the modern era” and accidentally discovers My Brother, My Brother and Me.
“We asked you to send in questions related to World War II and Superheroes, because this week our special guestspert is… Captain America??? How did we get Captain America on the show???”
“Please, call me Steve.”
“I legally don’t think I can do that, sorry.”
G: Rogers, can I call you Rogers, Rogers?
S: …Do you want to?
G: –NO!!! Fuck. Oh shit, I said fuck in front of Mister Captain Rogers, FUCK
S: Oh, can we swear on the radio now? Thank Christ, it’s about fucking time.
J: we’re….*gurgling* we’re not on the radio, exactly
T: Captain Mister Rogers Captain Sir could you say bad words again so I could keep it as my ringtone?
S: Sure thing, pal. *pause as he leans in real close to the mic* …Shit.
G: *audibly clutching his entire face* Oh My God We’ve Corrupted Captain America
S: I know of a few people who might say they had a hand in it too
G: Sam The Eagle Is Going To Fly Down And Strangle Us With an American Flag
T: Isn’t Sam the Eagle a muppet?
S: I know that reference! Little known fact, ‘Sam the Eagle’ is what we call the Falcon when he’s grumpy.
You’re lying on the sofa under a blanket, lights dimmed, watching your favourite TV show. Your cat is laid across you, sleeping but purring quietly. All is calm. All is good.
but then out of the corner of your eye you spot him
the princess bride is exactly what a dnd campaign would look like as a movie like? the delightfully weird cast of characters with their own quirks, the strange pacing and narrative that still Works, the absolute absurdity of it all, the jumping back and forth between wanting to be serious and it being really funny, hell its even Told like a dnd story through the use of the grandfather being the one telling the story
what a fantastic fucking movie
also like the character backstories are SUCH dnd backgrounds like? “im out for revenge for my father who was killed by a guy with six fingers on one of his hands” “i bumped into a band of pirates and their leader liked me so much he ended up having me take on his title to retire”
that is the Exact shit that people come up with for dnd characters
DM: having narrowly escaped Humperdinck, you find yourselves in the dangerous Fire Swamps
Westley: do I know anything about this area? Any danger?
DM: roll a history check
Westley: 15
DM: you know of rumors of giant rats in the swamps, as well as quick sand
Westley: what do I know about the giant rats?
DM: roll nature
Westley: [nat 1] …… rodents of unusual size? I don’t think they exist
Me: What temperature should Brussels sprouts roast at again? My brain: IDK, 500? Me: Really?! ADHD: You don’t need to double check that, it’ll be fine Me, a fucking idiot about to make charcoal: Okay!
350 for 10 minutes
ADHD blows when it comes to cook times and double checking your info.
HOWEVER! You can always put a note on your oven that says “350 for ten minutes”
It is a fairly rare day that anything you cook needs to be much higher than 350 degrees, and most loose things like veggies and chopped up meat will cook at that temp between 10-30 minutes.
So! If you have no fuckin’ clue how long you should cook your pile of veggies, bacon + potatoes, or whatever, grease it, spice it up, wrap it in tin foil so it doesn’t dry out, and stick it in the oven at 350 for… ten-ish minutes.
After your ten-minute timer beeps at you, Check how it’s cooking and then add another 5-10 minutes of cook time if it isn’t quite done yet. Rinse and Repeat until that shit’s cooked
Opening the oven will let some of the heat out, but if you’re not cooking something crazy delicate, it honestly doesn’t matter that much.
— It’s always good to check the internet “How long should I cook x in the oven?” Especially with more delicate things like baked goods.
However, I’ve managed to cook some pretty tasty coconut sugar cookies with zero measuring cups and “fuckit, 350 for 10 minutes” – As well as various pizzas, casseroles, different roasted veggie mixes, and more.
Toss stuff in oil and some spices, wrap in foil, and go to town.
Brussel sprouts in particular take around 30 minutes at 350 because they’re real dense in the middle.
Chopped Potatoes is 30 minutes at 350 – Likewise ‘cause root veggies are dense af
Acorn Squash halves (seeds removed) for 30-40 minutes
Whole Carrots is about 30 minutes at 350
Asparagus is 10 minutes at 350
Broccoli is 15 minutes at 350
Bacon is 10 minutes (or a lil more if you like em crispy)
Zucchini wedges are 15 minutes
Sugar cookies: 10 minutes
‘toss shit together’ Cassarole : 15 minutes uncovered to toast the cheese on top, 15 minutes covered with foil
Salmon: wrapped in tin foil!!! for 25 minutes.
Pizza: 10-15 minutes depending on how many toppings you loaded up and how thick the crust is. Poke the center of the pizza to test cooking – you don’t want it doughy.
Notice all the ‘Multiples of 5′ we’ve got going on. Nothing is THAT accurate – we’re estimating based on averages, but all ovens will distribute heat in different ways, so exact cook time always varies.
As you cook things in 10-minute intervals, you’ll start to get a sense for which things need more cook time – judging by the density of the flesh, how much you’re putting in the oven at once, and experience with cooking that stuff in the past.
At long last, The Chosen One has been discovered. Working as a cashier. With no interest in doing anything even slightly more difficult.
yeah because there is nothing more difficult than retail
tbh anyone who works/has worked retail would see the chance to go around saving the world in ways that could potentially kill them as a welcome vacation
“Does the position of Chosen One offer health benefits of any kind?”
“Well, our ragtag gang of world-saving underdogs has a doctor on-team.”
“Do I have to pay her out of pocket, is what I’m asking.”
“Gosh no! She’s an idealist, you don’t pay her at all!”
“Oh! That’s nice. But then I guess there’s no paycheck.”
“I mean, the secret cabal that dispenses our orders does make sure we have enough money to feed ourselves and keep a roof over our secret lair and such.”
“Hourly?”
“Hourly what?”
“Like have you guys ever had to punch a time clock?”
“We once had to dismantle a sinister time-freezing device in the shape of a clock….otherwise no.”
Secondly, we grow it very inefficiently. We could very easily increase the food yield of a given area of land by building a greenhouse on it (which also reduces water loss) and using poly-cultures instead of mono-cultures; the reason our preferred method is open-air mono-culture farms, which are susceptible to erosion and blight and requires a god-awful amount of water to stay hydrated, is that labor is expensive and land is cheap.
In fact, if we took it even further–growing our food in carbon dioxide-rich environments lit with artificial lighting 24 hours a day (or at least at night)–you only need 1-2000 square feet of farmland per person. Admittedly, you pretty much have to have fusion power for this to be an environmentally and economically viable option, but still; the point is, we could easily condense our environmental footprint by a shit-ton (and even more options will be available in the future) without decreasing our population one iota.
“There is still a maximum carrying capacity the planet has.”
Indeed there is. And do you know what that carrying capacity is? It’s ten trillion. And the cut off isn’t space or resources–it’s waste heat. The things we’d have to do to get there aren’t exactly the sort of things we could do overnight–hell, we don’t actually know how to fusion yet–but they’re all well within the realm of the physically possible.
We’re all going to die because the rich are selfish and their cronies are too.
thisacelovesheadcanons 