We stumbled across three prisoners being tortured by the cult we were trying to dismantle, and discovered that one of them – a dwarf named Kragnor – is a member of said cult. But he’s also trying to take down the same leader we’re there to kill because she betrayed his friend, so we’re trying to decide what to do with him out of his earshot.
Fighter: He seems pretty high-ranking. I say we just torture him until he either tells us all he knows or he dies. Win-win.
Cleric (me): But…enemy of my enemy, right? We could free him, have him fight her with us, then kill him later?
Rogue: (OOC: You guys are all evil! I thought we were supposed to be neutral or good?) I’m not going to kill a man who’s malnourished and chained to a wall.
Cleric: But they’re eventually gonna come back and torture him more anyway, right? And probably kill him?
Barbarian: But if we set him free he might come back later with backup. He’s still part of the cult, after all.
Rogue: …ugh, fine. I’ll just kill him quick and put him out of his misery. That’s the best we can do, right?
Warlock: Wait! I wanna force-feed him that potion I’ve been working on.
Barbarian: What does it do?
Warlock: No idea.
Note: Warlock has no background in alchemy and has been collecting various fluids in an empty healing potion bottle for a few in-game weeks now in the hopes that mixing a bunch of stuff together will have some kind of effect.
DM: Okay, what all is in this “potion”?
Warlock: Uh…my own tiefling blood, dragonborn blood, dead blood from a troll, some of what was left of the health potion, and bullywug poison.
DM: …all right. Tell you what, I’m gonna use an effect on this 1-1000 chart. Roll a d100 ten times.
Warlock: 612.
DM: His skin starts to turn a sickly shade of green. His ears fold back and fuse with his head, just holes on the sides of his skull. His whole face widens and flattens, and his eyes kinda glaze over. He’s now something between a dwarf and a bullywug. He also has an intelligence of 1, can’t speak anymore, and has no memory of who he is. He stands before you all, staring off into space and gurgling. A little bit of drool runs out of the corner of his mouth.
Cleric and Barbarian: Oh god!
Fighter: Kill it! It’s an abomination!
Barbarian: Nooooo he’s so defenseless! Don’t kill him!
Rogue: But I have to. If we leave him here, they’ll kill him. They can’t get information out of him anymore. If we free him, he won’t be able to survive on his own. Look at him. He doesn’t even know where he is. It’d be a mercy killing at this point.
Warlock: No wait, I wanna take him with me.
Everyone: WHAT
Warlock: Yeah! I’ll teach him to fight! He can help us out, carry things for us. I’ll even teach him how to read. (I pull out my shackles, one on my wrist and one on his.)
Cleric: So you’re going to make him your slave.
Warlock: No! He’s like…my pet!
Everyone: …
Rogue: (I’m about to stab Kragnor but I put my knife away.) You’re responsible for taking care of him.
Warlock: Now I just have to think of a name for him.
Cleric: You just robbed this man of his humanity – or dwarfity, I guess – all because you wanted to see what your gross potion did. And now you’re going to rob him of his name?
Warlock: He doesn’t know his own name anyway, we have to call him something. I’m naming him Jon Bon Jovi.
Cleric: (What’s your alignment?)
Warlock: (Chaotic good.)
Cleric: (I don’t fucking think so, not anymore.)
Rogue: (Yeah man, that’s definitely not any kind of good.)
Cleric: (You’re like, chaotic neutral at best. Maybe even neutral evil.)
Fighter: (I’m chaotic neutral and that is fucked up!)
Cleric: (When the man who always advocates torture is telling you that you went too far, you went too far.)
DM: Yeah you’re definitely chaotic neutral now.
Published
thisacelovesheadcanons 